


The Continuing Adventures of Darcy Lewis, Stark Industries assistant, and Veronica Mars, SHIELD Agent.

by fade_like_starlight



Category: The Avengers (2012), Thor (Movies), Veronica Mars (TV)
Genre: Crack, Crossover, F/M, Female Friendship, Snark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-02
Updated: 2013-02-01
Packaged: 2017-11-27 21:00:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 5,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/666431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fade_like_starlight/pseuds/fade_like_starlight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Darcy Lewis. Veronica Mars. Together, they'll either solve crimes, or commit them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In Which Our Heroines Meet

**Author's Note:**

> originally posted on tumblr [here](http://fade-like-starlight.tumblr.com/tagged/adventures-of-darcy-and-veronica).
> 
>   
> 
> 
> title image created by [JaqofSpades](http://jaqofspades.tumblr.com/).

Darcy turned the corner and sighed inwardly. The door to Jane’s lab was closed and there was an agent dressed in a black SHIELD uniform stationed outside. She stomped over and promptly dropped the pile of folders she was carrying.

‘Damn it!’ she swore, bending down to pick them up. The pretty blonde agent knelt down to help.

‘Bad day?’ she asked sympathetically.

‘You have no idea,’ Darcy said, grabbing the last folder and standing back up. ‘Well, actually, you work for SHIELD, you probably do. Who’s in there?’

‘Deputy Director Hill,’ the agent replied.

‘Oh, man,’ Darcy said. ‘They have you shadowing Hill? Who’d you piss off?’

‘Fury,’ she said, smirking slightly. ‘One of the agents dared me to hack into the restricted databases.’

‘And you got caught?’

‘I didn’t get caught. I _don’t_ get caught. I told Fury I did it, offered to help upgrade the security. He didn’t like that idea so much.’

Darcy laughed and stuck out her hand. ‘Darcy Lewis. Lab and/or superhero assistant.’

‘Veronica Mars. Agent -’ she caught herself and grimaced. ‘Probationary Agent Mars.’


	2. In Which Our Heroines Snark At Each Other

‘You’re on my turf today,’ Veronica greeted Darcy.

‘Yep. Had to bring Tony for a meeting. If you don’t stand behind him and poke him with a stick, he’d never get anything done. You still on Hill duty?’

‘Nah, punishment’s over. Do they need you to stay and babysit Stark, or can he handle the scary meeting alone?’

‘I can leave,’ Darcy shrugged. ‘I got him here, that’s really all anyone can ask. Though, really, I’m actually not supposed to leave this corner of this corridor. They didn’t say, but I think it’s in case I blow something up.’

‘Live a little,’ Veronica said. ‘We’re going to the cafeteria. What’s the worst that could happen?’

Darcy nodded, following. ‘Yep. That’s how it usually starts.’

They grabbed coffees and sat at a corner table. ‘So, blowing stuff up,’ Veronica said. ‘Deliberate or just clumsy?’

Darcy narrowed her eyes. ‘So, kicked out of the FBI. Deliberate, or just incompetent?’

Veronica laughed. ‘The girl does research. Color me impressed. Depends who you ask. They call it kicked out. I call it graduating to a far snazzier dress code.’ She held a boot out from under the table and Darcy grinned.

‘I do appreciate those boots,’ she said.

‘Never leave home without ‘em,’ Veronica said. ‘Well, that and your boss’s black Amex.’

It was Darcy’s turn to laugh. ‘Oh, that’s so cute. You think Tony Stark carries money? Or a credit card? Please. Anywhere he shops already has his details on file. He looks at something and they charge him for it.’

‘Interesting,’ Veronica said, draining her coffee.

Across the room, Nick Fury stared at them with a growing sense of dread. ‘Hill,’ he said flatly. ‘HILL.’

Maria turned to see what the Director was looking at. ‘Oh, no,’ she said. ‘That’s not good.’


	3. In Which Our Heroines Begin To Plot

The third time they met, it was after a battle.

‘Neutral ground?’ Darcy asked, kicking aside a broken shop door.

‘Well, not for Doom,’ Veronica replied, keying something into her handheld communicator.

‘My team do know how to wreck a city,’ Darcy sighed.

‘Damn straight,’ Veronica agreed. ‘You free for lunch tomorrow?’

‘You’re not really my type, Mars,’ Darcy said.

‘No, your type is more patriotic blonde, right?’ Darcy glared at her. ‘Oh, please,’ Veronica continued. ‘Anyone can see the signs, you can’t keep your eyes off him.’

‘He, apparently, cannot see the signs,’ Darcy grumbled.

‘Whatever,’ Veronica said. ‘Meet me for lunch, you can complain about your hot oblivious superhero, then we can discuss something a bit more interesting.’

***

‘So, I did my research,’ Darcy said, dropping her bag under the table and sitting opposite Veronica. ‘Teenage PI, helped your dad with some pretty big cases.’

‘Helped?’ Veronica huffed.

‘Lilly Kane, the Neptune bus crash… you were a busy little schoolgirl, Veronica Mars. Absentee mom, dad’s still a hometown PI. You entered FBI training, made it through with distinctions. Came up against a boss with shady accounting skills. You told, he had a friend, you got the boot.’ Darcy stuck her foot out, now clad in SHIELD-issue boots. ‘You like? I stole them from Clint.’

‘You were just getting to the good part,’ Veronica complained, accepting a coffee from the waitress.

‘Oh, right,’ Darcy said. ‘You were kicked out by the feds, wandering New York, lost, helpless, alone. Just a small town girl in the big city.’

‘Is all this in the file?’

‘I’m elaborating,’ Darcy explained. ‘Lost, alone, when suddenly -’ she consulted her notes ‘- Crossfire, and nice get, by the way, Clint’s been after him for years, commits grand theft auto right in front of you, so, naturally, you tase him and sit back waiting for the authorities. SHIELD rocks up, sees you’ve done their job for them, hires you on the spot. Pretty good, right?’

‘Pretty good,’ Veronica nodded. ‘My turn. First in your class throughout school. Busted for hacking into your elementary school network and lowering the grades of one Madison Kelly, and by her name, I’m going to guess she was Queen Bee and school bully. High school, and you set up a nice little side business in fake report cards.’

‘Fake IDs, too,’ Darcy interrupted.

Veronica frowned. ‘I’m getting to that. Jeez, give a girl a chance. You gave up on the report cards after a year - got bored?’

Darcy shrugged. ‘Better things to do.’

‘I’ll say,’ Veronica said. ‘Fake IDs turned into fake savings bonds. You got caught when - hey, she pops up again - Madison Kelly got caught with one of your IDs and narc’d on you. You took the good behavior bond, promised to be a good little girl, and you were, until New Mexico, where you hacked into the DMV to create the fake ID for Thor. Nice taser work there for you, too. Been working at Stark ever since, scolding naughty scientists and superheroes.’

Veronica leaned forward. ‘I don’t know about you,’ she said softly, ‘but I’m bored. At SHIELD, I’m the FBI dropout who was at the right place at the right time with a lucky taser. At Stark, you’re the glorified babysitter who got her job because of a lucky taser.’

‘I’m listening,’ Darcy said.

‘We team up,’ Veronica said. ‘Strictly on the side, strictly need to know. You’ve got the computer skills - I hacked your juvie records to get all that, but it took me a few hours. How long would it take you?’

‘A few minutes,’ Darcy smirked.

‘Right,’ Veronica said. ‘I’ve got the FBI and SHIELD training. A spy and a hacker? We could rule this city, show all these super-powered people how to really get the job done.’

‘You’ve got a hacker, though,’ Darcy said. ‘Cindy Mackenzie, right? She out of the business?’

‘Mac?’ Veronica asked. ‘It’s a tragedy,’ she sighed. ‘Mac is lost to us. She’s working for the enemy. She’s in league with the bad guys. She’s… a suit.’

‘Not the FBI, surely?’

‘Worse,’ Veronica said. ‘CIA.’

Darcy considered it. ‘We tell no-one?’

Veronica nodded. ‘We tell no-one.’ She reached out a hand, and Darcy shook it.


	4. In Which Pepper Potts Uncovers A Crime

Pepper Potts knocked on Darcy’s door. ‘Darcy? May I come in?’

‘Of course, Pepper. What’s happening?’

‘This is a little awkward,’ Pepper said, sitting down and holding out a piece of paper. Darcy took it and frowned. ‘Do you - I mean, are you okay for money, Darcy?’

 

‘Of course I am,’ Darcy said, still frowning at the paper. ‘Pepper, you don’t think this is real, do you?’

‘No, Darcy, of course not,’ Pepper assured her hurriedly. ‘We do need to find out what’s going on here, though.’

‘I know someone,’ Darcy said, dialling. ‘Veronica. It’s Darcy. I need your help. I’m being framed.’

Veronica was at the Tower within 30 minutes, signed in, and to aid her in the investigation, issued a Stark Industries security pass.

‘Tell me everything,’ she said, sitting down next to Pepper.

‘Well, we’ve been through Tony’s credit card statements for the last three weeks,’ Pepper said. ‘There are at least 15 charges unaccounted for, total value $21,727. We only have the one receipt so far, which has Darcy’s signature. We know she didn’t actually sign for the $2000 leather jacket, because she was with me when it was purchased, and we know she didn’t go back the next day to return it for cash, because she was with Bruce and Jane.’

Veronica was making notes on her tablet. She looked up. ‘Is it just the one card they’re using? Or multiples?’

‘At least four,’ Pepper said. ‘Amex, Visa, the Saks store card and the Diners Club.’

‘Tony still has a Diners Club card?’ Veronica asked, raising her eyebrows.

Pepper laughed. ‘He thinks the company’s due for a comeback.’

Veronica took a few more notes, then nodded at Pepper. ‘Right. Leave it with me. I’ll make a few calls, see what I can find out.’

‘Thanks,’ Pepper said. ‘I’m guessing it’s an inside job, although JARVIS hasn’t picked up any security breaches, digital or otherwise.’

‘I’m on it, Ms Potts,’ she said. ‘Darcy, we on for tonight?’

‘7:30, V. I’ll be there.’


	5. In Which Our Heroines Take The Avengers To School

The alarms stopped as they exited the building, Darcy tapping away on her comm. ‘Piece of cake,’ she said. ‘I don’t know what Clint was talking about. We made that look easy.’

Veronica grabbed her arm as she was about to round the corner. ‘Cops,’ she hissed. ‘Type, talk, then walk.’

‘Right,’ Darcy said, hugging the side of the building as they edged past the collection of cops out the front of the bank and slipped into the crowd.

The next morning, Veronica was in the records room, filing Coulson’s latest reports.

‘No sign of them,’ an agent said behind her. Veronica kept steadily filing, although she slowed down a fraction to keep listening.

‘Really? But the cameras alone!’

‘Nothing. No sign. Just a bunch of HYDRA henchmen, all wrapped up nice and tight in the lobby, and not a single dollar stolen.’

‘What are the cops saying?’

‘Well, they assumed it was the Avengers, of course, but the building was still standing, so it clearly wasn’t. I don’t think Iron Man’s ever done anything subtly. They also mentioned Spider-man, but it’s not really his thing, either.’

Veronica smirked to herself and texted Darcy.

_No-one here suspects a thing. You?_

She had an answer a minute later.

 _Nothing here. Tony’s pissed that someone beat him to it._ Veronica smirked again and continued filing. A second later, her phone buzzed again.

_Might have something else for us. We’ll need backup, though. Know any muscle for hire?_

_I’ve got the perfect reformed gang leader_ , she answered.


	6. In Which Our Heroines Ogle The Muscle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is dedicated to JaqofSpades, with thanks for giving me the idea to introduce this character. without that idea, I probably wouldn’t have continued this series. :)

Darcy knocked on Veronica’s door three times, then let herself in. ‘V?’ she called. ‘You here?’

‘Back here,’ Veronica called. Darcy headed through to the kitchen and found Veronica sitting on the counter and a tattooed Latino guy lounging at the table.

 

‘Hey,’ Darcy said, checking him out. Ripped - not as much as Steve or Clint or Thor, obviously, but pretty impressive for a civilian - and slightly menacing, but from the casual way Veronica was banging her feet against the cabinets, Darcy didn’t think either of them were in any danger.

‘Darcy, Eli. Eli, Darcy,’ Veronica said. ‘He’s the muscle,’ she told Darcy. ‘She’s the brains,’ Veronica threw an apple at Eli and he caught it one handed. 

‘Thought you were the brains, chica,’ he said, tossing the apple in the air and catching it. Darcy grabbed a Diet Coke from the fridge and sat opposite him at the table.

‘Me?’ Veronica asked. ‘I’m the spunky sidekick.’

‘Benevolent dictator,’ Darcy muttered, and Eli laughed. 

‘I like this one, V,’ he said, leering at Darcy. ‘She’s got fire.’

Darcy leered back. ‘I dunno, Veronica. Is he gonna be able to keep up with us?’ She pulled out her laptop and a folder full of documents. Veronica made grabby hands, and Darcy handed the folder over.

‘He’s smarter than he looks. Or acts,’ Veronica said absently, flicking through the pages. ‘Oh, and Weevil, don’t bother flirting. She’s got a thing for good boys. Nice boys. Captain America type boys.’

‘Didn’t think anyone could live up to that type,’ he asked, rocking back on his chair. Darcy busied herself typing away, but she was listening to the banter of people who clearly knew each other well, and it was comforting.

‘They can’t,’ Veronica said. She slipped off the counter and sat next to him, handing him Darcy’s folder. ‘Check these out, tell me what you think. She’s got a thing for actual Captain America.’

‘These are forged,’ Eli announced, ‘but it’s a good job. Very good. Your average bank teller couldn’t tell the difference. And actual Captain America? You gonna let the wrong thing slip in bed and bring the Avengers down on us if we do this?’

‘ _If_?’ Darcy asked. ‘We’re already doing this. And we’re flying under their radar - trust me. I _am_ their radar.’ To Veronica she said, ‘There’s not many people in the world who could see that forgery. He can stay,’ she winked at Eli.

‘Glad to hear it, mamacita,’ he winked back. ‘So, Captain America?’

She rolled her eyes. ‘God, you have no idea. He’s just so … unf.’

‘You know it can’t go anywhere,’ Veronica remarked, and having taken the cheques back from Eli, she started filling them out.

‘I know, _mother_ ,’ Darcy said, bringing up the SHIELD employee database on her laptop. ‘Did you get those logins from Coulson’s office?’

Veronica handed her a slip of paper. ‘He’s an Avenger. He’s _the_ Avenger. They’re exactly who we’re hiding from.’

‘I promise I will not fall in love with Steve Rogers,’ Darcy said, logging in and quickly clearing the tracking software. ‘I cannot promise I won’t hit that if I get the chance, though.’

‘This girl talk is all very fun,’ Eli said, ‘but I don’t think you bought me in to braid your hair.’

‘You’re the muscle, Thug Life,’ Darcy said, pulling up SHIELD’s list of known weapons storage facilities. ‘Wait till the brains are done with the heavy lifting, then we’ll send you out to hit someone.’


	7. In Which Darcy Flirts With An Avenger. Or Two.

Darcy examined her nails as she listened idly to the Avengers’ weekly debrief going on around her. All this super stuff was hell on her polish. She was going to have to visit a salon soon.

‘And when my guy went to check out the basement offices,’ Tony was saying, ‘he found some papers had been disturbed. Nothing missing, but he thought it was odd.’

‘I don’t like this,’ Natasha said. ‘I’ve put out feelers to all my contacts, but nobody can tell me anything. I don’t even know what we’re dealing with here. Is it another hero? They keep tying the bad guys in knots and leaving - HYDRA at the bank, and now AIM here at the museum, but there’s something off at all the crime scenes. The HYDRA gang didn’t even have the equipment necessary for a bank job. Now we find that with absolutely no evidence that they left the lobby, AIM somehow managed to get into the basement, rifle through papers and get back upstairs just in time to get caught by our mystery man? It feels like a set up. I don’t like it.’

Darcy pulled out her phone under the table and texted Veronica.

_Problem. We might have screwed up at the museum. Natasha is suspicious._

‘I’m sorry, Darcy, are we boring you?’ Clint asked. ‘Please tell me you’re sending dirty texts to that hot little blonde agent.’

‘Please don’t,’ Coulson said. ‘However, Barton does have a point. Please pay attention, Ms Lewis.’

‘I am paying complete attention to every word that falls from your mouth, Coulson,’ Darcy said. He nodded at her and began comparing notes with Natasha. Darcy gave Clint a saucy wink. He laughed, and next to him, Steve looked like he wanted to both laugh and be appropriately outraged. Darcy quickly composed another text under the table and sent it to him before dropping her phone in her bag.

_There’s only one hot blonde I plan to send dirty texts to tonight. ;)_

He was clearly far more professional than her, so he didn’t actually check his phone until they were leaving the room. Darcy had left first, but she heard the thump as he walked into the wall and knew she’d gotten the reaction she wanted.


	8. In Which Veronica Lays Out The Plan

‘So lay it out for me, V. What’s your end game here?’ Weevil lounged on her bed as Veronica answered a text from Darcy. They’d deal with Natasha and her suspicions later, if required.

‘World domination, Weevil,’ she answered sweetly. ‘What else?’ She dropped her phone and joined him on the bed, fitting herself between him and the wall. ‘First plan of business is a base of operations. You don’t get seasick, do you? Darcy and I were thinking a floating fortress might be nice.’

‘Floating, huh? Are we talking tropics? Sea, sun, bikinis?’

‘Sea, sun, skinny dipping, even.’

‘I can work with that, chica,’ he said, kissing her. Leaning back, he continued. ‘So what’s our next move, then?’

‘We have money,’ Veronica mused. ‘I’m “investigating” the fraud on Tony Stark’s credit cards. We knew we wouldn’t be able to get a lot from them before someone picked it up, but it was good practise, and it gave us some start-up capital. We’ve got those cheques Darcy stole from the bank and copied as well - once we get low on cash, we’ll start using a few. We’ve done okay so far, framing HYDRA and AIM with our tasers, but we’re going to need some real guns before we steal a ship.’

‘You want me to see what I can find for you?’

‘Aw, honey, you’re too sweet,’ Veronica purred. ‘But don’t worry your pretty little head. We’ve got the entry codes for the SHIELD weapons storage. As soon as Darcy whips us up new security cards with high-level clearance, you and I can just waltz on in and choose our favourites.’

‘Crime looks good on you, Veronica Mars,’ Weevil said, running his fingers through her hair.

‘You know what looks better on me?’ she asked seductively. He raised his eyebrows and waited.

‘Green leather catsuit,’ she mused. ‘Darcy wants dark red, but I think I look better in green. And a mask. Nothing ridiculous, just a little eyemask. And no capes. Remind me to look that up at work tomorrow. Surely somewhere on the SHIELD servers is information on where the Black Widow gets her costume.’ She tapped her index finger against her nose. ‘Or maybe not. We don’t want to go anywhere where Natasha can dig up info on us. Never mind, I’ll find someone else who can make it. This is New York, there’s fashion students crawling out of the sidewalk. What?’

Weevil was silently laughing at her. ‘Turn off your brain,’ he said, ‘and go the fuck to sleep, Veronica Mars.’


	9. In Which Darcy "Distracts" Steve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is dedicated to merideath, for encouraging me to continue writing this in the first place.

‘We don’t have a choice, D! We need to go tonight. Weevil and I can take care of it alone, but we can’t put this one off. I can block the alarm, it won’t send to SHIELD or the cops.’

‘Don’t,’ Darcy said. ‘I absolutely cannot guarantee the Avengers will be out of the picture. Most of them are gone - Thor’s on Asgard, Bruce is up in Canada having quiet time, Pepper’s in LA. I’ll set off the distraction in Philadelphia, that should attract Tony, Clint and Natasha, at least, but Steve’s injured, so he won’t be leaving the Tower. If he notices anything - if you don’t shut JARVIS up the split second you walk in the door, we’re fucked. He’ll call Tony back and it’ll be game over.’

Veronica looked at Darcy in the manner of a disappointed kindergarten teacher. ‘Well, then,’ she explained carefully, ‘you’ll just have to keep him distracted, won’t you?’

Darcy’s eyes lit up. ‘Right. Distraction. I can do that.’

At 6:30pm exactly, Darcy hit a button that sent a message to a ‘colleague’ of Eli’s in Philly. For a medium-sized sum of money, the gang had agreed to take some of the weapons Veronica and Eli had liberated from the SHIELD storage facility and cause a ruckus. Darcy may have neglected to mention that SHIELD could trace the weapons and would therefore send the Avengers after them. It didn’t really matter, Eli had no plans to further associate with them, and Philadelphia would have it’s streets cleaned of one more motorcycle gang.

At 6:35pm, she stuck her head out of the lab and heard Tony zooming off from the roof, followed by the sound of the jet taking off.

At 6:40pm, she sauntered up to the common area. She’d put a lot of thought into this. What should she wear, what should she say? Well, okay, that was a lie. She’d put almost no thought into it. She took off her cardigan and shoes, leaving her barefoot and in a revealing, but still fairly modest tank top and jeans.

At 6:44pm, she stood outside the elevator and composed a text. _Go go go._

At 6:45pm, she hit send on her phone, leaned up against the door to the theatre room, flicked her hair back, and said ‘What’cha watchin’, soldier?’

Steve turned to her, swallowed, and said ‘Just a movie.’

Darcy put just a tiny little sway in her walk as she moved over and sat next to him. ‘Top Gun,’ she said. ‘Classic.’

‘So I’m told,’ he said, eyes still on her. She wriggled closer, nudged herself under his arm.

‘How’s your ankle?’ she asked. He had it strapped and propped up on a footstool, and she ran her hand along his thigh.

‘Fine,’ he said. ‘No, actually, it hurts like hell, but painkillers don’t work. Should heal in a day or two, though.’

‘Aw. Poor baby. And you have a bruise just here,’ she said, stroking a finger along his jawbone. ‘Do you need me to kiss it better?’ She didn’t give him the chance to respond.

At 6:55pm, Darcy felt her phone vibrate in her back pocket. So did Steve, seeing as she was straddling his lap with his hands wrapped around her backside. ‘Important message?’ he murmured into her neck. 

‘Nah,’ she said, pushing her fingers through his hair. ‘Probably just Veronica. And I don’t really care about her right now.’

‘Good,’ he said. ‘Me neither.’


	10. In Which Darcy Rocks A Catsuit, Veronica Steals A Boat and Eli Is The Best At Everything

Darcy and Eli stood high above the city, watching the twinkling lights of Vegas as they waiting for Veronica to call them with the codes.

‘Come on,’ Eli said, throwing his arms out and gesturing at the view. ‘This has gotta be freaking you out just a bit. I mean, a month ago you were just a babysitter for a scientist, today, you’re in Vegas, getting ready to break into a casino. You’re just an intern!’

‘No, I’m not,’ Darcy said, cocking out a hip and smoothing her hands over her dark red catsuit.

‘What?’

‘I’m no intern,’ she purred. ‘I’m an international supervillain, baby.’

After they’d finished in Vegas (it didn’t go quite as smoothly this time, Veronica nearly ran straight into a security guard and Darcy had to do a fair bit of sweet talking to get past an overly zealous parking lot attendant. Eli spent the next few hours reminding them he managed to do his part without a hitch.), they grabbed a car and headed to LA. Rented, of course, with cash and a fake ID. No point stealing a car for only a few hours and bringing extra attention on themselves, Eli and Veronica had told Darcy when she had her eye on a cherry-red convertible on the Strip.

‘Which one is it?’ Eli asked. ‘The big boat, the big boat, or the other big boat?’

‘That one,’ Darcy said, pointing. Tony’s boat wasn’t the biggest in the harbour, but it was the plushest. Darcy knew, he’d had a New Year’s Eve party on here last year. There were enough bedrooms that everyone had gotten one to themselves, to her immense disappointment. She grinned to herself. Not that it mattered now, after she’d successfully distracted Steve last week. It was a pity she wouldn’t see him again, but she’d kept both her promises - she did not fall in love, but she absolutely without a doubt had hit that.

‘Right,’ Eli said. ‘So, anyone know how to drive a boat?’

Veronica swung herself onto the deck. ‘Really? You thought all those times I was hanging with rich white boys in Neptune, I was just giggling in the back? Come on, let’s see what this baby can do.’

***

‘Fuck. Hell, crap, fuck,’ Darcy said, staring at her phone.

‘What?’

‘Tony knows the boat is gone - he’s on his way. He knows I’m in LA, thinks I’m visiting friends. He wants me to meet him at the mansion.’

Veronica wrinkled her nose. ‘Right. New plan,’ she said. ‘I’ll meet Tony. I can find out what he knows. You go get the supplies. Weevil, when you’re done with whatever it is you need to do, meet Darcy at the pier. I’ll bring the motorboat, we can take that back out to the ship and get out of here.’

They jumped in the little motorboat and zoomed back to shore.


	11. In Which Veronica Plays Spy vs Genius Billionaire Playboy Philanthropist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not entirely pleased with this chapter, but I think that’s mostly because I’ve started trying - in the second to last chapter - to create some kind of logical and coherent plot. (there is no plot, logical or otherwise, here.)

Veronica swiped her SHIELD access card against Tony Stark’s gate. It beeped and opened. 

‘Agent Mars,’ his voice floated out to her over what she assumed was an intercom. ‘Wait, I’m sorry, _Probationary_ Agent Mars, right? Why are you here? I called Darcy.’

‘I was in the neighbourhood,’ Veronica answered, walking up to the front door. It opened automatically, and she entered the house. Tony was sitting on the couch, sipping a glass of whisky.

‘Probationary,’ he greeted her. 

‘Mr Stark,’ she said back, taking a look around the room. ‘I heard you misplaced a boat.’

‘I’m tracking it,’ he said. ‘JARVIS is on it.’

‘Seems like the sort of thing you’d have been able to do right away,’ Veronica said.

‘Would you sit down?’ Tony said. ‘You’re making me nervous.’

‘Good to know I’ve still got it,’ Veronica said to herself as she sat across from him.

‘It?’

‘Making rich men nervous,’ she shrugged. ‘It’s kind of a hobby of mine.’

‘Yeah, I used to work with Jake Kane,’ Tony said, watching her closely. Veronica blinked. 

‘Lot of people did,’ she said.

‘He’s responsible for a lot of the video tech that keeps me running,’ Tony said. 

‘Maybe that’s why you don’t know who stole your stuff,’ Veronica said.

‘Stuff?’

‘Your ship,’ she said.

‘No, no, you said stuff. You think there’s more things missing?’

‘You telling me there isn’t?’

‘There’s more things missing,’ Tony said, calling up a video. ‘This is my garage, last week when we got called out to Philly. Steve was upstairs, says he didn’t hear a thing, and JARVIS didn’t record any intruders or unauthorised entries.’

The video showed security footage of the garage at Stark Industries - rows and rows of cars and robots and other bits of science. The room was empty and silent - the video seemed to jump for a split second, then nothing. Veronica looked at Tony.

‘What am I supposed to be seeing?’

‘Look,’ he said, replaying the video and pointing to the lower corner, at a motorcycle. And then Veronica saw it. One second it was there, the next, it was gone. Veronica held in a grin and a curse. On one hand, _fuck, the bike was supposed to be hidden from the cameras_ , and on the other hand, _thank fuck he didn’t catch us getting into the workbench._

‘Huh,’ she said.

‘A bike,’ he said. ‘And not even the most expensive, or the most tricked out. Just a bike. Tell me, who would break into one of the most secure buildings in New York city and steal a crappy motorbike? I can only see two options: It was an inside job, or it was an idiot.’

‘If it was an inside job,’ Veronica said, ‘they’d be some sort of trace, right? The security cards, or something. And there wasn’t.’

‘Right,’ Tony said, staring at the footage again. ‘I’m missing something, I know it.’

‘Well, it wasn’t option one, and it wasn’t option two,’ she said. ‘What else is that apparently giant brain telling you?’

‘A third factor,’ Tony mused. ‘JARVIS, start running a trace on all known associates of everyone who’s ever stepped foot on my boat. And all SHIELD agents.’

Veronica blinked. ‘Right. Well, you’ve got this in hand, I’ll just - be going.’ She walked out calmly. Tony didn’t even notice her, engrossed in his screens. Just past the gate, she broke into a run.


	12. In Which Our Heroines Get Away With It All (Or Do They?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we’ve reached the end! or have we? (spoiler: we totally have. I can’t keep this up.)

Darcy was standing on the pier, waiting for her ride. She looked around anxiously. Eli should be here by now. A noise behind her made her jump and she turned to see Steve running up.

 

‘Darcy? What are you doing here? We’ve tracked Tony’s yacht, it was about a mile offshore, ten miles down the coast when we lost the signal. This is the closest docking point, so we’re guessing they’ll meet up here, and we’ll catch them.’

‘No, you won’t,’ Darcy said as she wrapped her arms around him. ‘Oh, sweetie, we could have been amazing together. But you’re too good for me.’ She shrugged, and said, almost sadly, ‘and I’m too bad for you.’

Steve looked at her, shock and realisation warring on his face, then pulled her into a kiss, hot and long and sweet and almost enough to make Darcy confess and renounce her ways.

A jetboat screamed into the harbour just as a motorcycle roared up beside them. Veronica, in the boat, shouted ‘DARCY! NOW!’ She turned and saw Eli screech to a halt. Darcy jumped on the back and saluted Steve.

‘Until next time, Cap,’ she said, lips curving into a mocking smile as Eli took off. He floored the bike down the pier, then lifted into the air, landing on the jetboat just as Veronica aimed it into open water. 

Steve watched them disappear over the horizon. Tony came running up and stood beside him, huffing and panting.

‘I am never -’ pant ‘-leaving my suit at home again. It was -’ huff ‘- Darcy and Veronica, the little sociopaths.’

‘I know,’ Steve said. ‘They’re gone.’

‘Gone? GONE? They stole my money - they stole my yacht, and you just let them go?’

‘Yep,’ Steve said, slinging an arm over Tony’s shoulder. ‘I did.’

‘What the hell for?’

‘You gotta admit, Tony, those girls have style. They really conned us. All of us. And hey, it’s going to be a whole lotta fun going after them to get your stuff back.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *hides* nobody mention the plot holes! If we don’t talk about them, they’ll _cease to exist!_ (aka: no, I don’t know why they broke into a museum or a casino, or Tony’s workbench. No, I don’t know why Tony is running around LA without his suit, or why he can’t just fly over the harbour to find his boat. Or why Darcy and Veronica would be dumb enough to steal anything belonging to Tony Stark.) 
> 
> My entire thought process for this fic was ‘but why would they do this? oh, right, _I don’t care_.’ Yes, I am completely aware that this is a ridiculous premise for a story, but it made me laugh, damn it. And if it made you laugh, too, then I’ll consider it a job well done. :) )


End file.
